Mastering the art of the apology: Building confidence by knowing when not to say sorry

Apologies are an essential part of human interaction, but in professional settings, ‘over-apologising’ can undermine your confidence and your credibility. This recent WiRL webinar explored why we often say “sorry” unnecessarily and how to break the habit without losing empathy or professionalism. 

Why do we over-apologise? 

• Cultural and gender norms: In British culture, saying “sorry” is often a default politeness marker. Women, in particular, may feel social (societal?) pressure to soften their tone or maintain likability. 

• Imposter syndrome: Around 70% of women experience imposter syndrome at some point, which can lead to apologising as a way to compensate. 

• High-pressure environments: Target-driven workplaces or demanding managers can create anxiety, prompting unnecessary apologies. 

WiRL has previously hosted webinars addressing key leadership challenges, including overcoming imposter syndrome and tackling perceptions of being ‘bossy’ when assertive. You can explore more on our Past Events page. 

The hidden costs of over-apologising 

• Dilutes your authority: Frequent apologies can make you appear uncertain or lacking conviction over the matter/issue. 

• Confuses communication: Apologetic language softens messages and can obscure expectations. 

• Impacts perception: Both colleagues and clients may interpret excessive apologies as a lack of confidence. 

When apologies are useful 

• Genuine mistakes: Own up when you’ve made an error. Authentic apologies build trust and empathy 

• Relationship-building: Occasionally, a well-placed apology can defuse tension and strengthen rapport. 

• Tactical use: As one panellist shared, framing a challenge as “I’m sorry, I don’t understand this” can be a diplomatic way to question authority. 

Top tips to stop over-apologising 

1. Pause before you speak or hit send. If “sorry” is your autopilot response, take a moment to assess whether it’s necessary. 

2. Flip the script: Replace “Sorry I’m late” with “Thank you for waiting.” Gratitude maintains politeness without undermining confidence. 

3. Be factual, not apologetic: Instead of “I’m sorry I didn’t finish this,” say “I haven’t completed this yet because of X priority.” 

4. Avoid filler phrases: Words like “just” or “but” can sound apologetic. Swap “but” for “and” to keep your tone assertive. 

5. Validate feelings without apologising: In customer service, acknowledge frustration (“That sounds really tough”) rather than defaulting to “I’m sorry you feel that way.”   

6. One useful technique shared in the webinar was to “get in the boat of rage.” This means empathising with the customer’s frustration without taking unnecessary blame. For example: “I can imagine how frustrating that must feel. Here’s what we’ll do to resolve it.” 

7. Practice silence: Resist the urge to fill gaps with apologetic language. Pausing can project confidence. 

8. Channel confidence: If public speaking makes you nervous, adopt the “fake it till you make it” approach. Visualise someone you admire and emulate their presence. 

Practical phrases to try 

• ‘Thank you for your patience’. 

• ‘I appreciate your understanding’. 

• ‘Here’s what I can do to resolve this’. 

• ‘Let’s focus on next steps’. 

Final thought 

Occasional, meaningful apologies can make workplaces feel safer and more human. But when apologies become habitual, they lose their power and can hold you back professionally. Awareness is the first step. Start noticing when you say “sorry” and ask yourself: Is this necessary, or is it habit?